An update, a song, a goal acheived and a new focus!

Hello my friends. I hope you are well. I havent been very good at blogging regularly and I have a few different subjects to update you on, each one could easily justify its own blog, but I’ll just try to summarise under subheadings so you dont get a headache trying to sift through them all.

1. Email Update

I received this email at 5pm on Wednesday from Chrstina McKelvie’s Secretary:

Hi Catherine,

Christina has asked me to respond on her behalf.

I am currently collating information to formulate a letter to the Minister and will be in touch soon.

Regards,

Josh Wilson

Constituency & Parliamentary Assistant

(Office of Christina McKelvie MSP)

2. Struggles stimulate creativity

My husband, whom you know is a bona fide rock star, quite often writes songs in the most un-rock-star-ish environments. EG on his bus journey to his day job. I’m thinking this is probably because it’s the only time when he is forced to sit still and be relatively quiet for any length of time. This morning he was thinking about my blog and he wrote this:

(NB All lyrics copyrighted to Steven leonard – please don’t cop/repost without permission)

A Few More Steps

It’s just a few more steps til you ve reached the prize
I’ll be there to wipe those tear stained eyes
I’ll hold you when you are feeling down
I’ll help you up when you hit the ground

It’s just a few more steps ’til you have won the race
There will be a time when we will become face to face –
with the life we ve longed for everyday
Where we don’t live by sight but by faith

If only they knew the pain u feel –
maybe then they would understand,
how to look out for your tears-
and take into account the affect it has on you

It’s just a few more steps ’til you’ve reached your goal
I’ll be around to keep you from feeling cold
I’ll warm u up in the dead of night-
and make u feel everything’s is gonna be alright

It’s just a few more steps ’til you feel complete
here we will see a life that you longed to meet –
Every time we  look and see what we-
have created through the love from you and me.

BEAUTIFUL, EH?

 

Weight Loss – The Irony

I have now lost a grand total of 25lbs since 15th May (Approx 6 weeks) and easily fit the criteria for IVF if it was actually available according to the wording of the new criteria beginning July 1st. So if they had been true to their word I would have succeeded in what I set out to do. I am still very proud and I am still going to keep going because the benefits of losing more include

• Reducing my risk of cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke and diabetes (http://www.webmd.com/cholesterol-management/obesity-health-risks)
• Statistically increasing my fertility – even a 5% weight loss can increase fertility through improved ovulation and increased blood flow around body (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8125086.stm)
• Increases my confidence, which in turn, lifts my mood and helps avoid depression

So I will definitely continue until I’m at a good bmi and feeling healthier 🙂

 

And now for something completely different!

A non fertility related post? NEVER! Actually yes, and we have some exciting news!

I arranged a viewing for a rental property for a close relative for a gorgeous (Victorian? possibly edwardian) red sandstone house nearby. Great street, close to town centre, good size. AS we walked round it I was describing all the good points about how it would suit my relative. but halfway through it I felt a thunderbolt, I was in LOVE with this property. It’s ambience was amazing. It needed some redorating and new carpets, but the bones of it were great. We phoned later and asked them to reserve property for the relative. But later that night she changed her mind and as I had been extolling the virtues of this property to my husband we spent 2 hours into the wee small hours discussing how we could afford it. Next morning I texted the agent and told her I was now taking it. It was a stressful day as others wanted to rent the house too and we had to negotiate the entry date – the owner was on holiday and out of phone contact – it was a loooong morning, but finally the agent told me it was ours and we were DELIGHTED. Its much bigger than our flat, so it’s more expensive (but not as expensive as most house of its sixe & location). We move in at the end of July to our house with 3 bedrooms, 2 day rooms and a little triangular garden. We are so excited and chattering on constantly about how to decorate, where to put furniture, what we need to buy. I have been off Facebook for about 10 days now (it was beginning to be too much) but I did pop on yesterday to ask if anyone knew of furniture being sold or thrown out and unbelievably we now have on promise from friends – 2 leather suites (one for each day room) with matching rug, mirror and lamps. My parents also have a pine dining suite for us to use. It’s enough to make you feel quite touched and emotional in a good way for a change! I think Steven and I and our family and friends are just so glad that we have good news and something refreshing to focus on and take our minds off the rubbish which has happened recently. I can’t thank them all enough, it’s an inspiring feeling when people are generous and caring, spurs you on to try to be the same. So this is our obsession for now. We are currently packing up and painting our flat and visiting auctions and shops to find bargains for our new home. Hardly giving the IVF a second thought for now.

As for the relative, you will be pleased & tickled to know that one of the reasons they were moving was a troublesome neighbour – this very person came to visit and apologised the day after we signed the lease, AND announced that they were moving out shortly. It feels like this was meant to be! I also had a vivid dream in my twenties that I moved to this street which the house is on. Feels like I am fitting into Someone’s plan for my life now 🙂

 

Keeping You Up To Date

Keeping you up to date:

Emails exchanged between myself and Scottish Government Ministers since last week:

Andrew.MacLachlan@scottish.parliament.uk	20 Jun (4 days ago)
to me

Dear Mrs Leonard

Thank you for your email to Michael Matheson. Would it be possible to email me your postal address. The reason I am asking is that Mr Matheson is not allowed to take up individual cases for people who stay outwith his own constituency of Falkirk West.

However if you go through your own MSP and get them to write to Mr Matheson on your behalf it would then be investigated and you would get a Ministerial response via your MSP.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

Andrew MacLachlan

Office Manager to Michael Matheson MSP

Andrew.MacLachlan@scottish.parliament.uk	21 Jun (3 days ago)
to me

Dear Mrs Leonard

Thanks for getting back. You constituency member is Christina McKelvie MSP. If you get in touch with her she can write to Mr Matheson on your behalf.

I have sent you a link of her details as I know she has an office in Hamilton.

http://www.scottish.parliament.uk/msps/currentmsps/Christina-McKelvie-MSP.aspx

I hope this is helpful

With best wishes

Andrew MacLachlan

Office Manager to Michael Matheson MSP

Dear Mrs McKelvie,

I have been advised to write to you by Andrew McLachlan, the office Manager of MSP Michael Matheson, after I contacted Mr Matheson to complain about discrepancies between the publicity and the practice of the changes to NHS funded IVF services. He informed me that although my complaint is regarding a public health matter, Mr Matheson is unable to respond individually to those who are not his own constituents. He advised me that if you would be able to make a complaint on my behalf that I may receive an investigation and a ministerial response.

As with any issue regarding health services, there is the individual stories and the bigger corporate picture, and I hope you will not mind if I give you a quick personal history to put this complaint into context.

My husband and I have tried to conceive a child together since we married in April 2011 (Same day as Prince William & Kate). We were referred to an infertility clinic at Monklands Hospital after 6 months and since then have went through many humiliating/painful tests to establish our fertility status – we were warned right at the beginning that I disqualified us both from treatment because I was over the age of 38. In August 2012 we were told we both had excellent reproductive health, but that this was irrelevant because I had a blocked fallopian tube. She explained that this combination of factors made me the ideal candidate for IVF because my health, eggs, hormones was great & IVF is the only way to solve the tubal blockage problem. Unfortunately, we do not have the financial resources for IVF – the cheapest in Scotland is just under £4k. We were extremely disappointed, but did our best to try and stay positive and put our faith into practice.

Ten months after this we were absolutely delighted to watch, read and hear the announcement on every type of media possible – IVF funding will be FAIRER, Scotland will lead the way in new funding, for the first time, women aged 40 – 42 will receive a funded IVF cycle:
Where the woman is aged between 40 and 42, couples will be offered one full cycle of IVF provided they meet all necessary criteria and specific additional conditions
http://www.scotland.gov.uk/News/Releases/2013/05/IVFservices15052013)

Unsure where to find more information I scoured the papers and found that we fit every criteria except the weight – I immediately changed my lifestyle to lose it. We had one last appointment (originally for a 2nd opinion) already arranged for June 17th. Between the announcement on May 15th until the appointment on June 17th I lost 21lbs, such was the motivation of receiving IVF.

You can imagine how devastated we were when I attended this appointment  to be told I am still too old, despite the fact that I am between the age of 40-42. The consultant showed me a print out from the National Infertility Group which stated:
Fresh cycles of treatment must be initiated by the date of the female partner’s 40th birthday, and all subsequent frozen transfers must be complete before the woman’s 41st birthday.

The consultant explained that due to referral times, waiting lists and treatment lengths, I would have had to have been 38 yrs old to qualify for the new criteria. Because the criteria says the first cycle must have been complete BEFORE the woman’s 40th birthday, it therefore needs to be performed when the patient is 39, and due to a waiting list of 12 months, she was unable to refer anyone over the age of 38, even then it would be cutting the time every finely. So in reality, there was absolutely no change from the previous age criteria of 38.

So my complaint is, the publicity and even the wording of the government announcement on it’s own website (Where the woman is aged between 40 and 42, couples will be offered one full cycle of IVF) is false due to two points. The first point is that the fine print states the woman must have her first cycle complete BEFORE she is 40, and the second point is that the current 12 month waiting lists mean even if the cycle was available up to age 42, she would still not be referred after her 40th birthday.

My husband and I would be grateful if you would make a complaint on our behalf to Michael Matheson in his role as Public Health Minister for Scotland.

Thank you for your assistance.

Cat and Steven Leonard

Introduction

I thought it only polite if I introduce myself before we continue with this bloglationship.

My name is Cat, I am a 25 yr old stuck in the body of a 41 yr old. I married the love of my life, Steven, in April 2011 (Same day as Prince William and Kate), and since then we have been trying to have a child together. I already have an almost adult daughter whom I raised single handedly.

There you go. That’s the abridged version. If you have a spare half hour – then here is the full technicolour version:

I’ve lived a busy, varied life – in my life I’ve had a diverse range of jobs from a solderer, to a postwoman, to a guide dog handler to a tax credit officer! Since having my daughter at age 23 I have most worked in the education sector. I’m a qualified Early Years Worker and also studied at Jordanhill, Strathclyde Uni to achieve my bachelor’s degree in Education & Social Services. I’ve also lived in a few different areas, the furthest afield being on the Isle of Arran. I am currently self employed now – writing, ironing and anything else I can find to make money lol

My hubby. Steven, is 37. By day he is a ‘Comfort Specialist’ (!) and sells motorized beds & chairs to the infirm. By night, he is a rock star. He plays guitar, writes & sings in his band The Face on the Moon.

Steven and I decided we would like to have children together within days of getting together. He proposed to me 6 weeks into our relationship and we married after being together for 14 months. We planned to start trying to conceive as soon as we were married (We are both practising Christians and decided to wait until we were married).

Our journey toward becoming parents has been extremely frustrating for a number of factors, such as the length of time the health service takes to diagnose, the lack of any treatment or support from them, the fact that most of our friends have conceived and given birth (some two or three times!) since we’ve been trying! If it hadn’t been for our close relatives and for those friends we have who truly empathise, I think we might have exploded with the frustration, and that would not have been pretty.

Well you may be reading this and thinking “I know what she needs to do to conceive, she needs to relax/stop trying/focus on other things/take a holiday/start a new job. Well….let me tell you, the past 26 months has been FULL of concentrating on other things. We have been through 4 new jobs, short breaks and holidays. My dad had a stroke, mum mum had surgery which meant I had to step in for a month. I’ve been my husbands graphic designer, website designer, publicist, backing vocalist and roadie. As for ‘relax and it will happen’….unless relaxing unblocks fallopian tubes, then no, relaxing wont work.

So over the first 6 months we didn’t worry too much as we know statistics show it takes MOST couples up to a year to conceive. However, being over the age of 35 gave me the option to ask for a referral from my GP after 6 months, so we did, fully expecting (ha!) to have to cancel as we were convinced we’d conceive as soon as we were referred.

Now you may not be very aware of how the NHS in Scotland works regarding fertility, neither was I, but let me give it to you straight. If you are over the age of 38, you’re too old to be a mum. You will receive a letter with capitalised paragraphs which emphasise this – stressing that you will be offered DIAGNOSIS ONLY. The other delightful aspect of the NHS is the 12 weeks you have to wait between each appointment. So our 12 months following our referral looked like this:

• 12 weeks wait for appointment with nurse for history and test schedule
• 12 weeks wait to see specialist to analyse test results
• 12 weeks wait for further tests to be done
• 12 weeks wait for follow up appointment

Steven had tests on his blood, urine and tadpoles. I had 4 different blood tests for hormones, a urine test, an ultrasound scan and a hysterosalpingogram tubal patency test. Some tests painful, some embarrassing, some just plain inconvenient. The conclusion was this – Steven’s reproductive health – great. My reproductive health – amazing (ovarian reserve of someone ten yrs younger). BUT. having all the juicy eggs and fertile hormones in the world are useless if you have a tubal blockage, which I do. We had our last appointment with our specialist in February this year (19 months after being referred) and she flatly refused to do anything to help. I reasoned, I pleaded, I cried, but she would not be moved. She would not even prescribe an inexpensive drug (Clomid) on the small chance that it would make a difference. She said I was the ideal candidate for IVF, so go and get it done ASAP. Needless to say, we don’t have the £5k handy to access this. My husband was livid and demanded a 2nd opinion, which we were given, 4 months away.

Well, that nearly brings us to the present day, to the point of me sitting in the car too scared to move. A month before I was due to go for the 2nd opinion, the Scottish government announced that women aged 40-42 would be given NHS funded IVF. I was cautiously delighted. The only criteria I didn’t meet was the BMI, so I immediately began a weight loss plan and managed to lose 20lb in one month!

The morning of the appointment I made a list of questions and notes in my notebook. My mind was racing and I knew it was a make or break. The doctor was late, I waited 30 minutes on the edge of my chair. When she finally arrived she was stoney faced and abrupt. I got to the point immediately about the new IVF criteria and she shook her head. ‘You’re too old’. She produced a print out form the Government group which advised the changes – which said the patient needed to be under the age of 40 to receive a ‘fresh transfer’ (that means the first round of IVF). Not only that, but because there is a 12 month waiting list for treatment, that means a woman would have to be 38 to be referred, or the wait would put her beyond the age limit for her fresh transfer.

I could hardly take in what she was saying, but I still asked everything – why? do I have a chance to appeal, what about taking the referral age from when I was originally referred to this clinic? Can’t you apply anyway so I can appeal? It was no, no, no. And then I became so frustrated that the tears came and I was so angry with myself for crying because I didn’t want this stoney faced woman to think I was an emotional wreck, because I’m a calm, reasonable, intelligent woman.

As I covered my face an cried I eventually glanced up at her and her expression had not changed one bit. No apologies, no ‘here’s a tissue’, not even a word of comfort, just expressionless until I regained composure and firmly told her how utterly disappointed I was at her clinic. I said I have jumped through hoops, I have complied, I have been polite, I have went though humiliating tests. I’ve changed my life, I don’t drink, I’ve ;lost weight, I’ve took supplements. I have even begged for the cheapest little drug  – offered to pay for a private prescription and sign a disclaimer – to give me the tiniest chance because this means so much to us. It’s not too much to wish for, to have a child together. To build a loving marriage and home, to work hard and change everything about our lives to become physically, psychologically and emotionally happy, but it amounts to NOTHING because you hold the power to help me but YOU deem me too old. I think she felt shamed, she quietly said ‘I will give you 3 months of Clomid, but it’s against scientific evidence and I’m not responsible if it has an adverse effect’. She immediately left the room, brought back the pills and then stood with the door open as if to say ‘Off you go’.

That was 5 days ago, I’ve since emailed the Scottish Public Health minister to complain and been advised to ask my own MSP to complain to the health minister on my behalf so that I receive a full investigation & ministerial response.

Apart from that it’s been a hard few days trying to accept that our chances are so low and we need to put our faith in practice. Steven firmly believes we will have a child together and tells me off whenever I feel negative about it. So it’s time to get back to concentrating on everything else in our lives and waiting to see what happens.

Cant go forward, can’t go back…

A few months ago I surprised my husband with an overnight trip to Stirling for his birthday. Part of our stay involved a trip to The Wallace Monument. This is a tall Gothic 150 year old tower on a hill which visitors can climb  via the original spiral staircase. I was apprehensive, but wanted to give it a go. When we almost reached the first level in the tower we heard other people coming down the staircase and had to quickly decide to either stand at the narrowest central point of the spiral staircase or at the broadest part against the outer wall to allow them to pass.

I chose the widest part and squeezed into the wall, which in turn made me look down into the staircase and I suddenly a mixture of vertigo and claustrophobia making my body go rigid. My lungs began to only take shallow breaths and I felt like every muscle I had went to jelly. I became rooted to the spot, my mind filling endlessly with thoughts of slipping, falling, tumbling forever down and around in the stairway. All I could do was close my eyes and try to hold onto any part of the wall my fingers could grip. I heard my husband say “Are you ok?”, I could only squeak back “I can’t move!”. He began to encourage me to keep going, telling me we were only a few steps from the first level, but in my mind I could not bear to move. Going higher up meant further to fall, going back down meant looking down into that spiral, feeling dizzy and my shaking body slipping on the stairs. I was stuck.

Obviously, I am not still stuck there. My husband eventually gently persuaded me to quickly climb the few stairs up and there we viewed Wallace’s Sword. All the while my attention was consumed by the fact that the staircase was below us and needed to be descended. There was no question that we were going up any further together, I urged him to go up alone & I would wait, but he refused and I felt like I let him down, but I physically, psychologically and emotional couldn’t do it.

That was almost 5 months ago, but for some reason that image kept coming back into my mind last night as I was preparing for an appointment with a doctor this morning. The panic and the fear kept resurfacing and I was confused, what does that day have to do with this day?

Well now I am sitting in the car in the hospital car-park feeling the exact same panic. My lungs are doing the same shallow breaths, my muscles are like jelly, I’m shaking from head to toe and my mind is filling with worst case scenarios of failure and disappointment. I feel like I can’t get out of the car and walk into this appointment, but I also can’t turn the car around and go home and give up. This time I don’t even have my husband just ahead of me saying “A few more steps”. But I also know that this time I can’t let him down.

So here I go….